The Perry version of ‘Money Pit’

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It was a bad idea pairing Tom Hanks and Shelley Long as opposing male and female actors.
It was an even worse idea to put them on the silver screen. And have Steven Spielberg in charge of things.
But in 1986, such was the case.
They even had the audacity to label the worst 91 minutes of my life as a “comedy.”
Pardon me while I LOL.

“The Money Pit” drew pretty much nothing but bad reviews from those professional enough to realize it was a flop.
It starred Hanks, the iconic comedic actor, and Long, who had her 15 minutes in “Cheers.” And pretty much nobody else.
If you dismiss Alexander Godunov, he of “Die Hard” fame.
Maureen Stapleton was in there somewhere. So was Joe Mantagna.
And Yakov Smirnoff — you remember him, surely? The “What a country!” guy from Russia — sniffed around.
Julia Child, if memory serves, had an uncredited bit part as herself.
But you should trust me: “The Money Pit” is a film worth avoiding.

We in Casa de Perry have been enduring a bit of “Money Pit” activities the last few weeks.
A shower that twice has decayed and begun to crumble left us no option but to redo it from the ground up.
We opted to take out the seldom-used whirlpool tub and install a vanity — she wanted it! — in its place.
The demolition part was about the only fun to be had.
Hammers. Chisels. Crushing real walls. Tearing down the shower walls.
The fun lasted, perhaps, 12 minutes.

Then it came time for payola.
Trips to Lowes and Home Depot became tiresome. Quickly.
The shower, we discovered, was done wrong from the start and again at the first redo.
We proudly found tile for a price we decided was better than we expected. Score one for us.
Then we learned we needed a new shower basin. Boo. Score one for them.
Cha-ching! Cha-ching!
The cash registers ring.

How much it will eventually cost, we have no clue.
Well, a bit of a clue. But nothing precise.
“It has to be done.”
That has become the mantra.
“It has to be done.”
More and more, I am beginning to hate that phrase.
I deal with it. But that does not diminish our displeasure.

The end will come closer into focus within the next week or so. Eventually, we will return to using our own shower and not the one in the guest bathroom.
Our contractor made me smile when he said, “I get confused every time I walk out of our bedroom.”
It reminded me of my mother, who spent a few weeks with us and invariably turned the wrong way when coming into or out of the living room.
Of course, she had Parkinson’s and was considerably older than he.

The end to our “Money Pit” is nearing.
It has to be done.
But then comes other plans.
An extra room. A wood floor.
Where is Yakov Smirnoff when you need him?
Where is any legit actor when you need him?