Life did not come with a set of rules, but it should have.
I’m not talking about the laws, ordinances, neighborhood covenants, Boy Scout ethics or the complicated rules of American Football...
I’m talking about a general set of common sense rules of life that many people should have been taught the instant they became capable of understanding them (in some cases, never). With those thoughts in mind, I have taken it upon myself to establish the framework of a Constitution of Life — a general rules that everyone should follow.
Preamble - We sentient participants in Life agree that to live together in any semblance of order, understand that there is set of rules established by a mythical entity heretofore known as the Makers and Takers of Life and that we agree to live and die by these rules, lest we become a weak sniveling mass of melting snowflakes unable to adequately care for ourselves or others.
Section 1: General
1.0 - Caution: Life will, without warning, become physically, mentally and emotionally taxing. When participating in Life (also known as living), you will be exposed to high and low extremes of offensive acts, sights, and statements; pain; ecstasy; annoyance; temperature; altitude; attitude; latitude; fun and stress. You will be exposed to stupid morons and intelligent morons and every level of moron in between. You will fall in love and have your heart broken an undetermined number of times. You will, on occasion, get the urge to squeeze some moron’s throat until he or she stops moving (and talking). Exposure to these activities can be strenuous and the Makers and Takers of Life recommend that you visit your physician before you start participating in Life (living).
1.2 –Authority: The decisions of the Makers and Takers of Life are final. If you disagree... live your own Life away from all that threatens or offends you.
1.3 - Unsafe Life practices: If at any time, Life’s organizers feel that you are living unsafely or your living circumstances pose a danger to yourself or other Life participants, you may be removed from Life without warning or explanation. The Makers and Takers of Life recommend that you never, ever, place your Life into some moron’s hands if you are not prepared to lose it without warning.
1.4 Compensation for poor Life choices: There are none. Misplace your car keys and miss a job interview? That’s on you. Slip on a patch of ice, crack your skull and wake from a seven-year coma to discover that your spouse has moved on? Boo hoo. Lose your butt in the stock market? Here’s a tiny fiddle for you to play the blues on.
1.3 - Winners: There are none, or we all win, depending on your point of view. Come on people, it’s a race to the finish and we all know what’s waiting for us there.
1.4 - Use of likeness/publicity: Any of your brilliant or absurd utterances, ludicrous activities, or stupid mistakes, decisions, or those of your offspring are subject to be ridiculed in any form of media available and there isn’t a thing you can do to stop it. Prevention is simple: don’t do stupid stuff where it can be recorded.
Section 2: Eligibility
2.0 Who is eligible to participate: All living and breathing members of the human and subhuman race are eligible to participate in Life, until such time as the Makers and Takers of Life deem that a rule violation has occurred… at which point you may be permanently removed from Life without warning (See Section 3).
2.1 Whiners – Whiners will be deemed ineligible to participate. If your life sucks so badly that you are compelled to whine about it, you need to cowboy up.
Section 3: Penalties
3.0 – Assessment: Unless deemed otherwise by The Makers and Takers of Life, penalties will be assessed and tallied on an accruing scale:
3.1 - Physical pain and suffering penalties will be imposed for dangerous or stupid activities like eating Tide Pods, climbing rocks without safety ropes, resisting arrest, or any other forms of being a tool.
3.1.1 – Level I violation: embarrassment, superficial pain, burns or handcuff bruises on your wrists.
3.1.2 – Level II violation: Same as above with the addition of more extreme pain, more law enforcement and/or EMT participation and/or hysterical laughter from your peers, and/or an expensive visit to the emergency room or county lock-up and the possibility of more embarrassing exposure in the local paper, on TV or one or more forms of social media.
3.1.3 – Level III violation: Same as above with the addition of a mandatory week-long hospital stay, prolonged pain, taser-prong scars and a felony record.
3.1.4 Level IV violation: Permanent removal from Life.
3.2 - Emotional and mental penalties will be assessed for lapses in common sense and/or empathy. In addition, Life’s participants who have fallen in love can have these penalties assessed for much less tangible activities, utterances, thoughts or, in the case of interaction with a significant other, no particular reason what-so-ever.
3.2.1 – Level I violation: A stern, one-sided conversation or disagreement with someone important to you.
3.2.2 – Level II violation: A disturbing and embarrassing time-consuming episode of despair and hopelessness and/or a good, stinging hard slap from an angry significant other.
3.2.3 – Level III violation: Someone much bigger and more capable at inflicting pain than you, may open a can of buttwhip and pour it all over you.
3.2.4 – Level IV violation: Lifetime ban from Life.
3.3 – Your fault: No matter who started it, or what act of God befell you — When things go south for you, it is your fault if you are not prepared. If you are the only person who believes you are the victim, you probably are not. If trouble finds you, grow up, take ownership of it, get yourself out of it, and figure out immediately how to avoid it in the future. If you are unable to figure this out after several attempts, The Makers and Takers of Life may determine that you have no business participating in Life.
It’s your Life. Live it well.
Thanks for reading